Sheltering and the effect it has

Siddharth Gautam Buddha’s story is very well known, but let me retell it for you. An astrologer told his parents that he would either grow up to become a Chakravarti or will renounce the world to become a saint. Scared at the prospect of losing his heir to ‘sanyaas’, the king decided to never show him any of the sadness in the world. The king thought that once cosseted in the comforts of the palace, the prince will become used to the good life and would never want to quit it. A normal experience of life was so to say banned for him. Siddharth grew up in perfect luxury and to ensure that he was totally shackled by the bonds of the ‘saansarik sukh’, he was even married off to a beautiful princess. But one day a charioteer made a mistake and took the prince slightly out of the palace bounds. The sights of misery that Siddharth saw put him off the life of luxury forever and finally he renounced the world and became Gautam Buddha.

I always have wondered had the king let Siddharth grow normally, maybe those sights of misery wouldn’t have affected him so much. As much as Gautam Buddha’s life is a lesson in enlightenment, it is also a lesson to society I believe of what fearful control mechanisms do to people. Take sex education for example. If we go by the theory that exposure to sex education makes children more experimental and pushes them to indulge more in amorous activities, then by that standard India’s more repressed states should have less of sexual crimes. But is that the truth?

I cannot say much about other states, but two examples come to my mind. Tamil Nadu and Delhi. These are two states where in most cases men and women don’t interact normally with each other. Boys and girls are taught at an early age to intensely dislike and distrust the other sex. So there is no communication and most of the children grow up looking at the other sex like they are some aliens, part fascination, part hatred. High school classrooms are full of sexist jokes and weird stereotypes about male and female behaviour. But the curiosity is always there and it takes the form of eveteasing, groping and rape.

My friend who studied in a pretty good school in TN used to say that they would make fun of any guy who was just friends with girls. Afterall, the guy had to be a sissy if he could only talk and not get any action out of her. And any girl who even deigned to talk to a guy had to be of a loose character. (I would not say this is completely true about every school in TN). My best friend and her boyfriend in Delhi have been dating for 8 years now. They are school sweethearts and no they haven’t yet done it. Jeeju’s friends tell him that she is definitely going to ditch him after all she hasn’t surrendered herself yet and not just that, they advice that the only way to keep her from breaking his heart is by making her physically his. Jeeju says, “main jaanta hoon un logon ne kabhi ladki nahin dekhi, kabhi jaana nahin ki sahi maynon mein relationship kya hota hai, kabhi mauka hi nahin mila na, isiliye aisa sochte hain.” How true.

But it is not just sex education, there are many choices in people’s lives that are forced upon them because of a fear psychosis. Parents of girls restrict them from doing lots of things thinking that if given freedom the girl will develop a mind of her own and might disgrace them. In this fear, they push her to such an extent, that in the end, more often than not, she unknowingly does the very thing they were afraid of. Some guys are brought up in a strict atmosphere because the parents believe otherwise the boy will take to vices. Mostly these are the very guys who tend to take up vices at the first taste of freedom in a college hostel or out of town job. People from smaller towns talk all the time about that boy or girl who went to ‘shehar’ and changed so much, mostly for the worse(according to them, may not be true actually). Why do they change? Because they were constrained for so long, that at the first chance they will defy everything their past life stood for. Rebels and for that matter even psychopaths are never born. They generally are the ones who were pushed into some sort of a corner, a corner that was either suffocatingly comfortable or scorchingly uncomfortable. The result is always the opposite of what is desired.

If only we learnt how to be more open and accepting!


  1. Hi!

    It was interesting how you brought in the analogy of Siddhartha to explain the consequences of excessive restraint. Yes, what we get exposed to day-in-and-day-out, we take for granted.

    The fact that excessive restraint in matters of interaction between two genders hasn't 'helped' is also proven by high rates of HIV-transmission and exponential population growth rate.

    Actually, the same concept also applies to narcotic drugs. It's been speculated by some that if ban on sale and production of narcotics is lifted, then, their production as well as sale would become totally bereft of any incentive for profit as the prices would drop down, and effectively, the consumption would also decrease. The vast majority of people refrain from 'doing' drugs more out of fear and harmful consequences rather than because of (artificial) unavailability. Coincidentally, my freshest post–a longish story, partly deals with parental interference in choice of life partner of their children.

    The mutual hatred/contempt that the two genders hold for each other is partly because of lack of exposure (to the other), but also because of a certain kind of 'groupism' instinct at play. Males would want to feel superior to females–and one of the ways to do that is have contempt for them, which requires stereotyping. Same also holds true for females holding males in contempt.

    A thought-provoking post! Well written!

    Take care.

  2. I believe in guiding without suffocating or controlling. I agree with your observation that the more we try to protect by controlling the more there is a chance of the child being caught in a situation where there is no a chance of (unintended perhaps)rebellion. I think it is better to teach our children to be self reliant in every sense of the word. Give them roots and give them wings, and let them fly 🙂

  3. i didn't know about this until a friend from delhi said that , in bombay interaction among both sexes as a kid is far too free! i think we are just normal – as it should be ! yea, but i don't like my peers who are boys who hit you with the ball so hard that one has to him back !! sometime even fist fights happen in terraces ( we have no playgrounds ) that if an elder is around will have to come and stop !

  4. Good post. Kerala I think is worse than Tamil Nadu in this aspect. Difficult to agree to the suggestion by Ketan abt reducing restrictions on Narcotic drugs . Those drugs are addictive and if availabale freely definitely the number of addicts will increase

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